Have you ever got into a fight or an argument with anyone? Think
about this. Imagine your best friend and you haven’t met up for a very long
time. You asked for her schedule and tried to arrange a meet up but you realize
your schedule and hers always clashes. When you finally arranged for a great
time for the both of you to meet up, she tells you that she couldn’t make it
all of a sudden. At first you thought that she had something urgent to attend
to. But this happened for a number of times and she keeps rejecting you and
tells you that she is busy. You really
want to meet up with her to catch up but it seems that she really has no time
for you. You saw photos of her going out
with her boyfriend recently. You are
upset with her after you saw those photos because it seems that the truth is
she is not really busy. You want to talk to her about this issue but you do not
want to jeopardize your friendship with her. How would you let her know how you
feel and be tactful at the same time?
Here is what I thought I should do. Find out why before I
jump to a conclusion. It could be a misunderstanding. Although I was upset and
disappointed after looking through those photos, I felt that I should give her
the benefit of doubt and trust her. Perhaps
she thinks that I’m too persistent or perhaps our schedule really clashes.
However, it may also be that she wanted to spend more time with her boyfriend
and is neglecting her friends. If the last scenario was the case, I would
advise her to manage her time wisely and tell her to prioritize. I can
understand that she needs to spend time with her boyfriend. But if she does not
make an effort to stay in touch with her friends, she will start losing all her
friends around her soon. Moreover, she could initiate the meet up if she finds
that I’m too persistent. Perhaps it will be easier for her to plan her schedule
this way. What would you do if you were me?
Hi Cassandra,
ReplyDeleteI think that talking solely about the issue should not jeopardize your friendship and if it does then she is not really your best friend. Good friends are able to talk about an issue and settle it. But it seems that your friend lacks the straightforward approach that should be present between friends. You should be comfortable asking her about it and she should be comfortable giving an explanation for it with no worries at all.
However, there might be underlying reasons for such behavior like current stress in family or other personal situation. To approach a person in such scenario, there must be a friendly relationship which you already have. It is so because the person would be comfortable and willing to share personal issue with a friend and would be more receptive to feedback. And I think your approach of advising her about better time management and setting priorities will be effective. Of course only if she takes it in a positive way. So it is important that you make it like a casual talk instead of a preaching session with the use of appropriate tone and gestures. You should also advise her to have empathy and understand feelings, concerns and emotions of other people for better relationship management.
I think she will understand and try to make up for her inconsiderate behavior. Hopefully she will.
Hey Cass,
ReplyDeleteI've had this happen to me a couple of times in the past, and these are the three main reasons I've found to be the cause.
Situation 1) Friend A was really busy, as she was nearing her final years in school, and quite overloaded with CCA's as well as community outreach programs. For A, I decided that I would try booking her time far in advance, so that she might be able to push around other movable commitments for our meeting. This might end up backfiring, but then it's more worth a shot than it is not trying at all.
Situation 2) Friend S was my friend from my one short year in Secondary school, here in Singapore. After I moved up to KL, we sort of drifted apart and after we spoke a couple of times on Facebook, it dawned on us that we were now very different. Different from the young children we were, and found that we had nothing in common now. We ended up not meeting, and haven't spoken since.
Situation 3) Friend M, on the other hand, was my friend in Primary school. We'd kept in contact through the years, though often months would pass in between. Regardless, we arranged to meet up during my National Service days. She cancelled on me, begging urgent work. The next time, she started the arranging, suggesting another weekend to which I agreed. This time, it was me who had to pull out. This shy footsie-ing continued for a month before we finally did meet. When we met, we realised that we were always shy, and that this shy awkwardness never really left us. We were always so anxious that we might find that we weren't actually as close or had as much in common as we thought we did, that we were just scared of losing a friendly ear.
I hope your situation was purely the first one here, as the second situation ended up with sadness, while the third was a bit too awkward to really be considered a good result. Hope you managed to finally meet your friend, and the misunderstanding was resolved (which was the only good thing to come out of situation three, we actually solved it and it never cropped up again).
Cheers,
Miran
Hey, Cassandra
ReplyDeleteI do share some feeling inside the story. To be frank, it is natural that we love the pleasant past time and avoid recalling unpleasant past time. I used to have several very very good friends. We were like four real brothers, or even worse than that, no brother can be as close as we used to be. Even after I have come to Singapore, we kept contact with each other for a few years. But now we don't really communicate at all.
Why? That is we are so different. Our language is different, our life is different, our value is different, etc. It is good to have really close friends in school, often because you share some similarity. And it often seems that you have endless topics to share with each other. But after you separate, life becomes different. Especially we young people adapts really fast to new environment without realising it ourselves. The kind of things you used to enjoy may not be applicable at present.
So I think it is good to check that if she is really busy. But if she is simply enjoying her life now and does not take your meet-up with her very seriously, just let it go. Let the good memory of her live on in your mind. And she is still your friend, you must feel happy that she is happy now, right? With all sorts of online social websites, you can keep in touch with each other, say regular greetings. This is all could be done.